Loretta DeVil

I am having a rummage sale this weekend. In fact, I should not be on here at all because I have a million things to do, not the least of which involves a hot shower and lots of soap. :)

But I have had such an interesting cast of characters come though the sale, I am enjoying making fun of some of them a moment of quiet reflection.

Now let me say my favorite customers are the sweet older ones buying clothes for the grandkids, the super happy "up-up-up!" people, and the young mommies who are searching out sweet stuff for their kiddos. I especially love the ones who pick up a treat for their kids like a little toy or a book, just so they get a little something. Those customers make me smile.

But there are always a couple of nut-jobs quirky folks that stand out in the crowd. Take "Loretta", for example. She pulls up in her HUMONGOUS pick-up truck, pulling a trailer with what looks like a highway guard rail wrapped around the back. She has this trailer so loaded down with shit treasures it looks somewhat like a giant toy box. The way she has stuff piled up, a strong wind could cause a major accident for anyone following her. (not that these sorts of incidentals bother Loretta, mind you. It's no sweat off her leathery brow) She steps out of this monster truck with a 6 inch long cigarette just blazing away. Meanwhile 2 little girls and an old lady crawl out of the truck gasping and wheezing from oxygen deprivation. Loretta's bleached blond hair causes such a blinding white light in the sunlight that several customers don their sunglasses. She smashes out the cigarette with her high heels, Sandra Dee style and marches up toward us with purpose in her eyes. One of the little girls motions towards a straw hat that is marked 25 cents and she snaps "I ain't buying you anything else!"  The old lady is dragging along behind her, trying to find something to please her highness Loretta.

They start going through the stuff like they are on a mission.

She spies an adorable straw tote that is practically brand new. It is marked $1.00. Loretta shimmies over in her skin-tight short-shorts and interrupts me to ask me if I'll take 50 cents for it, to which I reply that I will have to ask the owner of the bag. (who is not me.) Granny is staring at me in a daze, presumably unaccustomed to the clean air. Then Loretta pops off, "I mean, I might give you a dollar if it had a pocket or something."

Oh. no. you. did. not.

Rummage Sale Etiquette Tip: Do not be rude or people will not bargain with you!




After being turned down, she drops the purse like a hot potato right on top of the infant section and saunters over to a small kiddy table that is in brand new condition. She is looking it over good. It is only marked $6.00. (though I'll bet she could have gotten $15 or $20. It was really nice). So Loretta cuts me off again while I am attempting to help someone else and asks if we will take $5.00 for the table. Are you serious? I told her again that I will need to ask, to which she pops off again like the bratty teenager she clearly wishes she still was, "She will PROBABLY just say NO again!"

By now I want this woman to just get the hell out. But I go ask. I try not to look as she starts collecting coins and singles from her little coin purse and then from her leathery brown cleavage. gag  When I return to tell her we are firm on that oh-so-low $6.00 price, she shoves six bucks in my face immediately. I dodge a near-gauging from a Lee Press On Nail and ask "umm.. Do you still want it?"

She says: "eh..what's a dollar?"

I'm sorry, I thought you were this surly lady who was just here trying to wrench 50 cents out of my hands a minute ago. My bad.

Then she says "what am I supposed to do with the stuff on it?" and I say, "I will help you take everything off." Of course, I should not have said this because as I am checking out the 3 people who were in line behind her, she sing-songs from the driveway "you aren't COMING!"

How I wish I had had a squirt gun at this point.

I watched Loretta chuck her purchases up on top of the chairs, dressers and other crap she had piled up in that beast of hers and peel out like Cruella DeVil.

Man! I was happy to see her go. I'd have tossed in that zipperless straw bag if I thought it would have made her leave any sooner. Of course, I would have slipped those little girls some caffeine and a couple of oxygen masks first.