Today I would like to open a discussion on the topic of forgiveness. Not divine forgiveness, but human forgiveness. Please weigh in here. I'd love to know your thoughts.
Here's the nugget I want you to chew on:
How do you forgive?
Background:
The other day one of my kids did something wrong. The episode went something like this:
kid: (insert bad deed)
mom: (insert evil eye)...yes...? (dramatic pause) What do you want to say to me?
kid: I'm sorry, Mom.
mom: I forgive you.
An observer (you know who you are) asked what's the deal with that? Most people don't say that.
I replied that when the boys were little (remember they are less than 2 yrs apart, thus occasions to forgive were frequent) we taught them NOT to say It's OK when someone apologizes. We taught them to say I forgive you.
My philosophy is this:
Sometimes people do things that are NOT OK!
I think it takes the power away from the forgiver, the offended one, and minimizes their experience if they are compelled to say It's OK when it's not.
And, are you not giving your tacit approval to the offender to offend you again?
It's OK little Georgie. No problem. (hit me again!)
Think about it this way: I once had a boyfriend who cheated on me. Many of us have had this experience. If he apologizes, do you say It's OK? Hell no! You would say something like I forgive you, now go in peace. or throw a vase at him or something. But you do NOT say It's OK because it's not.
So tell me your thoughts, please. Do you say I forgive you or It's OK or No problem or even thank you?
And one last thought: I am of the opinion that it is totally cool to say I WILL forgive you. Thank you for apologizing. My kids have heard that one once or twice. :)
PS. If my punctuation drives you CRAZY, you are not alone! :)
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15 comments:
I have a habit of saying "its ok" but i never thought about it like you said! Its not ok but I will forgive you! I will have to try and change that! Thanks for sharing.
Good points, Mali. Forgiving is one thing, but forgetting is another. I do not forget. But I do not always hold things against people either. It is SO different when we are talking about adults or talking about kids too. There are some kids who do things that I do not want my kids around. I don't blame them and I try not to dislike them, but I sure don't invite them over either! As for adults, I am big on second chances, but not thirds. But even I will admit to being inconsistent. I can forgive almost anything of family.
And good point on the "are you sorry, or sorry you got in trouble". Very good. We are exploring this territory with the 5 year old now. Maybe it's the age. My older kids, seem to show more shame, or remorse when they make mistakes now.
Brittney- I think it is about setting boundaries for me. If I do not have "rules" for what's OK and not OK with me then it is easy for people to push me or take advantage. I am not great at this but the older I get the better I get. I want to teach this to my kids now so they can get a jump start! :)
Patty, you always give me something insightful to think about. You got my attention when you mentioned Ronald. It is a little-known fact that I used to be part of a consumer watch-dog group whose sole purpose was to regulate advertising to children. That's a long story, but your point is right on target...it is not Ronald who feeds people the Big Mac. Absolutely. As a society, we are not big on accountability. I hadn't really considered that aspect of this topic. In fact, I was looking primarily at the person who has been harmed and what their needs are, rather than the need of the offender to learn a lesson, or to be FORGIVEN. Thank you for the perspective.
I usually say "thank you," but have been known to say "I forgive you." I never say it's okay, because you're right -- it's not OK. What the person did was wrong, hence the apology.
As for adult forgiveness, it's more of a challenge. It's rare that an adult who isn't my husband or little sister apologizes to me when they've done something wrong. I have much experience forgiving and being forgiven by them, not so much with the rest of the world.
I'd like to think that I'd thank them for apologizing and then work on forgiving them. When I forgave them, I'd tell them, "I forgive you for ...." I guess it seems more sincere to tell them I appreciate that they are sorry but will need to process the rest.
Great topic of discussion!
I love that way of responding. I'm often at a loss for what to say when someone apologizes and I don't want to tell them that it's okay, when it's NOT okay. Sometimes I just say thanks.
I really like the response you have given your children. I have always thought that I don't like them saying "that's ok" because you are right, the behavior was not okay, which makes it wrong in the first place.
I may have to start using your phrase.
I agree that we do need to teach forgiveness of others and not hold onto those grudges, but also to know that the behavior was not okay.
Great post!
First, I have to say that I think there is a huge connection between divine forgiveness and human forgiveness. That being said, I LOVE this post!
I am not one to say, "that's ok" because if the act/word/deed was okay, there wouldn't be an issue. We are definitely teaching our children to say, "I am sorry. Will you please forgive me?" And to respond, "I appreciate your apology and I forgive you."
(Now if someone would just teach my sister-in-law to say sorry or seek forgiveness ... oops, did I just write that?!?!).
Reagan...I like that a lot. "I am sorry. Will you please forgive me?" And "I appreciate your apology and I forgive you."
good stuff. I am going to try that out.
And SIL...too funny!
that's a really good point. i always say "it's ok" because i don't want the other person to continue to feel guilty, but sometimes people deserve to feel guilty for a while! not everything is ok.
I always say "it's, ok" both because I'll do anything to avoid tension and because it has become a signal to others, namely my boyfriend, that it obviously isn't ok. I am not great about being up front with anything emotional. Cool blog!
Ooohhh, I like this theory! I'm a person who says, "No problem" and "It's okay" MUCH too often. I like the idea of teaching my girls what it means to really forgive one another when they do something to hurt the other. I also like the "Will you forgive me?" line. Good thoughts!
We say "i forgive you" too. For the very reason that you mentioned. Because it is usually not OK! But we do want to offer forgiveness because it mends hearts and relationships. :)
This is a great topic and the responses are wonderful. I agree that I am not fond of saying "it's ok" I definitely think if someone asks for forgiveness that you should acknowlege their apology. I do have a question though what are your thoughts on forgiving someone even if they have not asked for forgiveness. Many people say you should forgive in order to move on but what if their has been no request for forgiveness?
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